I've peen pretty secular my life. True it's not the way to go for some, but I'm giving it the bad way. I've been doing it wrong. Yes, right and wrong has an ambiguous meaning. A killer might think what he's doing is right, and a religious person praying think that what's himself is doing is right.
I'm trying to write out my thoughts and arrange it in a way it makes sense to you so bear with me, my friend. Bear with me, my bear. (That pun though). It's time for me to say this.
Here we go.
***
Let's backtrack to where I think it went wrong.
London?
I think it all started there. The month I've been staying there, I've been turning my gaze from Him. I didn't carry out my duties. I've been neglecting my prayers. I did found few moments of passion but like a little flame in the cold wind, it was gone in a heartbeat.
Then I came here, Dublin Ireland.
That's when all the shit has been happening and I think it has been all personal with me. I could say pride took me over. I was at a far away place, thinking I'm some sort of creature that's given the best. I was blind to pride and pleasure of it all.
I don't think it was all culture shock. I was just so full of myself. Truth be told, it's been 5 months now and how many times I've prayed here could all be counted by fingers. So few yet so shameless.
There's this sort of little voice, that's been telling me I'm far off track, I should be turning back and making the right way, but it's been drowned in the voices of distraction towards the world.
I started smoking, something I thought I would've never do. I thank Him for still saying His words to me. Thank Him I've not been stuck too deep in all of those sins. Thank Him I haven't started drinking or having sex.
I've been starting to think I'm turning into a monster.
I was wrong to think I've been one in the beginning, or the thought I'm slowly turning into one.
When we were talking, and you mentioned you needed to pray or was praying, I was ashamed at myself, asking why was I not a better man like you.
Many people think I'm a wonderful person, yet I've been saying to myself 'If they knew the monster underneath, they would all run away,' and it's wrong to say that. I'm conceding myself to the evil within and I should've been conceding the angel outside.
I guess it's also to do with being away from you, one of the few persons to have cared for me and showed up for it. In such a short time you loved me as if I was your own brother, and I've been asking too much from you. I blame myself, for needing a constant companion at my side. At times I've known that you have a lot to take care off, but yet I know I've been forcing you to hear me, to be there talking to me. I'm asking too much of you.
Doing that secret to Asha and Kutam, I have been thinking I am right to do it, but now I've been doubting myself. Was it right? I hope you have the answers, though again, I'm asking too much from you.
Clinging on to human's love, I lost sight of Him. Needing to constantly search for a companion, when He was there all the time. I'm asking myself what do I need more? Why am I doing this? Alas if the question was easy why would I have been questioning it the first place?
And God forbid, I have thought of hurting myself. Cutting my life short. Cutting my wrist. How could I have thought of it. I'm so selfish.
Why am I asking for more? What have been deprived from me? Why am I doing this?
Which blessings of the Lord have I been denying?
At times, I have been laughing at myself. A condescending laugh. Knowing my wrong.
Maybe it's time.
***
I thank Him for still giving His love to me. For giving me this shred of Hidayah that I may or may not deserve.
The ignorance is strong in me and it is all my fault.
I need guidance. I need you to guide me back to Him again, but again I'm asking too much of you, my brother. I'm burdening you so much.
I'm so ashamed of myself. So ashamed to talk to you about this.
The panic attack should've knocked me in the head, but my head was too thick it didn't even fazed me. Now I'm letting it faze me, I'm letting it reach to me.
I proved myself wrong now. The worst thing is, all of this needed to happen for me to turn to Him again. I am so shameless ya Allah.
Malu aku ni tak patut. Aku sendiri ada ilmu tapi tak pakai. Pandai tapi bodoh. Makhluk yang keji. Dalam aku nasihat, aku tak pernah ingatkan pasal Allah. Tapi kau, nasihat kau mesti ada tentang Dia.
Ya Allah... aku ni. Haih.
So full of myself.
"Whatever happens, it's okay. We're all part of an immense pattern and though we can't understand it, we can be happy to know that it's working its will to us. Whether you call it God or the universe or the self, we're all interconnected and it's all beautiful,"
I heard this and it made me realized the big mistake I've been doing.
I know you will say that this was what He wanted (I'm getting cocky again aren't I?) but it always soothes and calms my soul when I hear you say it. So say it to me.
Your words, have a way of working itself to me. As you know I'm someone that never listens to what people have to say and like I said, I've been ignoring your advices though I've been hearing. I'm a bad friend and I hope you can forgive me for that. It's time I hear your words but this time, I actually accept it.
I look to you for my life.
It is time.
